*
*
*
*
*
*
*
| ............................. |
|
bliss of a kiss
|
|
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." -Jack Kerouac Two days ago, while browsing through avant-card (one of my favorite places to be in berkeley...aside from the bookstore, or Sweethearts cafe where my beloved raymond works, that is), I saw this quote on one of the cards and it just really struck me. The frightening realization that my life is now rounding its second decade has been dawning on me more and more in the past couple of weeks. Birthdays for friends are now no longer eager celebrations to be one year older...instead they are either impatient stopovers till 21, or sad goodbyes to days of high school yore, filled with cheer and insouciance. They say that with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes serenity and inner peace, but when you're twenty-something, on the border of finding the career and network of support that will define the rest of your life, it's hard to believe that you're really growing wiser. In fact, there are times where I feel just as lost as I did fifteen years ago, on my first day of school, freshly sharpened pencils and crisp-leaved pressed notebooks packed away in my backpack, lunchbox pail in hand. It's amazing how you can watch the minutes tick by while sitting in class, inching along ever-so-slowly, but look back and see the past twenty years flash before your eyes in an instant. Time sometimes fools us into thinking we have lots of it...lots of time to say goodbye, to get acquainted with new surroundings, to finish that English essay that's due in two days, to call that old friend that we lost touch with unknowingly along the way. What I mean to say is, while the edges may be somewhat frayed, my memories of elementary school square dances, middle school rebellions and high school prom are still vibrant in my mind, sans antiquation and bursting with nostalgia and untapped emotion. So what does all this really have to do with anything? I don't really know. I don't even really know why I'm posting all of this on blogger in the Wheeler computer lab. Maybe it's just been too long since I've had access to a computer and the internet. I've only just realized how addicted I've become to aim (yes, pathetic, I know) and e-mail and the www. world. Anyway. I just thought I'd post that quote because it really struck me. Richard and I were just talking the other day about how almost every decision that we make right now at this point in our lives, however minute it may seem, may very well determine the very course and direction of our futures. It terrifies me to think that my academic procrastination or nocturnal way of life might affect the outcome of my post-undergraduate career. You'd think that all of this pondering and acutely depressing talk would lend me some inspiration for studying or amp my level of dedication, but I don't know. I don't have the fire, the passion to burn, burn, burn like the people that Kerouac talks about in that poetic quote I've posted above. Maybe that's why I like that quote so much, why it strikes some unknown part of me that yearns for direction and motivation, an intensity of passion for life that I've not yet found in my twenty years on this earth. All I really want is to find that one unquenchable thirst within me for something...what that something is, I have yet to find out. Okay! Enough of all that jibber jabber. Wow, this was quite a long post. I can't believe that I just spent an hour online looking for posters and posting on blogger. I guess that's what happens when you're completely broke (my mom told me to be careful not to overdraw from my account...eeek!) and rationing yourself to twenty dollars a week, tops. I had to eat dinner the past two nights on the floor, with an overturned box as a makeshift dinner table. Sad, isn't it? ^_^ oh well, at least I still have enough money to eat, right? =) geez, it's getting hot in here so I'm going to go back home now...toodles! =P by christine at 2:03 PM ©
Christine's First Day of Summer School 2003 I tried to reassure myself that school really wasn't all *that* bad. I tried, I really did! So as each day to the dreaded date of the 23rd drew closer, a small flame of hope grew within me that maybe this summer my classes wouldn't be so bad, and I'd even begin to LIKE school. okay, maybe liking school is kind of pushing it, but at least not get that horrible knot of dread within me whenever i think about going to class, attending section or doing homework. Or even worse, the dreaded capital "S"...studying. =( Anyway, this little flame of hope within me was brutally dashed today...and the word brutal might even be too kind of a way to put it. Even ten coffee and strawberry flavored mini cups at yogurt park wouldn't have made my day brighter (okay...maybe it would have made it a *bit* brighter, but not much!). so why, do you ask, was my first day of summer school so horrible? Well i guess i should first temper my statement by saying that it wasn't exactly HORRIBLE...i mean things could have been infinitely worse. Then again, they also could have been infinitely better (like if I didn't even have to take summer school to begin with...what a blessing THAT would be) It's just that i always have THE worst luck when choosing a seat in big auditoriums. I should have been more wise today, walking into my Physics 8a class...but no, i'm like a lab rat that never learns and keeps running into those dead ends in all the mazes. It's like there's something about me that screams out, CALLING ALL FOBS- PLEASE HARASS ME NOW. This is not the first time. It's not like I have anything against fobs. I like fobs, they're nice. but like the FRESH fobs...the ones that have barely swam to shore and are still dripping with sea salt, THOSE are the ones that i'm scared of. Scared is maybe too mild of a way to put it. More like TERRIFIED. It's like they always either can't see the board, can't understand what the professor is saying, or even worse, both. =( so today's fob had quite stylish shoes, i might add. it's a new sandal style that i've never really seen before...sort of like a slip on sandal, but with these two little air vents on each side that look kind of like half moons, leaving a very attractive piece of velcro polyester fabric blend smack dab in the middle of the shoe. The sandals were also quite an attractive color...like a mix between green and yellow. ANYWAY. my point is that i had to spend one and a half hours next to him (don't even know his name but he looked like an elliot or edwin or something like that) explaining the notes to him and trying to make dull conversation. *sigh* as if class wasn't boring enough. oh well. at least it looks like i'll have some jolly gsis this semester...but no one can EVER top thaunh of course! THAUNH!!!!!!!! I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!!!!! hahahhahahaha lol ok i added that one in just for erika since she gets so annoyed everytime i mention our old ids gsi. he was such a dear though...i used to bump into him on the street near shattuck and he'd still remember my name and ask how I was doing with such SINCERE concern and care. *sigh*. you really don't find gsis like that anymore, so it's lucky i met thaunh my first semester here at berkeley...he made my freshman year infinitely better. HAHAHA okok enough enough...till next time folks, happy summer schooling and for those of you chillllllllllllllin at home, i hate you, have lots of fun for me while i toil away in the classroom, turning so pale that i fade into the white walls =( p.s. happy early bday Bren! =) by christine at 10:01 PM ©
When it rains it pours and opens doors And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love That have to say goodbye And as I float along this ocean I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me And you make everything alright And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me And I can always find my way when you are here And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss And pick you up in all of this when I sail away Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plain overhead Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly But with you I can spread my wings to see me over everything that life may send me When I am hoping it won't pass me by And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me there you are to show me. -train, when i look to the sky Gosh i've seen like ten thousand movies since i came back...SO MANY MOVIES...i'm starting to get an even shorter (if that's even possible) attention span than i had before...but yeah no more movies for the next couple of days! i've been in diamond bar for like almost a month and i feel like all i do here is: 1) get boba at ten ren's/life plaza and sit around for a few hours or 2) watch a movie at amc...hahhaa but it's all good because home is gooooood....so relaxing. i can't believe i have to go back to stinking berkeley in like a week....grrrr....this break time passed by WAY too quickly. =( it's funny how you don't really appreciate home until you leave it. I remember when I was back in high school and I couldn't WAIT to go to college....not like the past two years hasn't been rewarding or not that I haven't gained lots of great experiences (even some bad ones...like notoriously throwing up e v e r y w h e r e...good thing those days are far behind me! by christine at 12:11 PM ©
|