*
*
*
*
*
*
*
| ............................. |
|
bliss of a kiss
|
|
Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday college life, it's hard to find that oft-longed for solace, that yearning for inner peace that calls within us every so often. like the tide that takes away a little bit more of the shore everytime it approaches, this feeling for...something meaningful has been ebbing away at my consciousness for the past couple of days. maybe it's because i haven't found direction in my classes. Direction is such a vague term, anyway, so who knows what it means? i guess i mean drive...drive to attend all my classes and try one hundred percent instead of giving thirty percent (and that's an overstatement within itself). i don't know. i guess the reason why i got to thinking of all of this is because i got an e-mail from annie today. she said some things in her letter that really made me sad and made me miss her companionship and her understanding, two things that i'd forgotten how much i'd needed since the school year began. i've been living in a kind of whirlwind of time for the past couple of months since the start of sophomore year, and only recently have i taken my head out of the storm and really tried to delve beyond the surface and see deeper. "see deeper into what?", y'all might ask. i, myself don't even really know. i guess i should have known, should have always counted on annie to understand how i'm feeling and, so many miles away, still feel the same way herself at times. maybe it's a common thing that all college students go through, or maybe it's just a diamond bar hs student thing...=P...but yeah. here's an excerpt from annie's letter (i hope you don't mind that i'm posting this, annie, but it just really struck a chord with me) "I sometimes just get really nostalgic for the old times. like I wish that things can go back to the way they were. in senior year in high school, during the summer at UCLA, during our freshman year of college, during this past summer at Taiwan. Like.. I don't know.. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just really miss you Christine =( I really really do. I miss you so and I wish that we could have experienced college together and seen one another everyday." "the old times"...what is it about the old times that makes our hearts flutter with happiness, illuminating all the good and erasing all the tough times that we've been through? i guess memory likes to play tricks on us sometimes, and it makes us envision things in the past as tenfold more appealing than the future. not that i don't love my life here in berkeley, of course, but it's hard to be so far away from your roots, so far away from what you've called home for so long. i remember that when i was young, i hated moving, but i accepted it quite easily as just a part of life. after moving twice within five years, and then finally settling down in california, i guess i just came to call california my home, some place that i could see myself coming back to after my world-weary adventures and treks halfway across the world. it's good to have that staple in life, but it's also sometimes dangerous because it opens up the possibility for missing that staple, for feeling that gap, that missing chip where home should be. who knows what it is that makes us feel the things we do, at random spurts in time? speaking of that...eliza had an interesting question on her blog that i've gotten to thinking about myself as well. Her question was, does destiny really choose us? i don't know...i really don't. if you believe that destiny chooses you, in a sense, you're giving up so much of your own freewill, your choices in life, the decisions you make...giving up the responsibility that you have to take for mistakes in the past, giving up the pleasure you take in some of the greatest choices in your life. but then again, sometimes it just really seems as if things work out in such a way that it just has to be more than coincidence. have y'all ever had that feeling? like when you're just kind of assessing everything around you and it just suddenly strikes you how neatly things have worked out for you, even if they're not the way that you at first envisioned, or even if they're not settled in the way that you think they should be. it's like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, all drifting together and forming this picture that's so much grander and bolder than you can even see, much less fathom, until a time later. with time, comes a lot of things, and i guess when i'm older, i'll understand more things and i won't be as bubbling with questions as i so often am now. is that a good or a bad thing? i don't want to become jaded with time or with the past, or lose that window of mystery innate within me that makes me in awe of the world in its workings. bah. this is all too much schmaz for me. maybe it's just because i'm sitting here at home alone on halloween night (where i have to WORK! bleh) thinking too much (which is something i tend to do). so yes. =) since when did my halloween's turn into baking cookies and a scary movie at a friend's house anyways? i remember when i used to go trick or treating or to parties, all dressed up and excited, cheeks rosy from coming in from the cold, trading candy with friends, seeing lanterns illuminate shadows on walls that left much to the imagination.. *sigh*. times change, and so do we, eh? =) yayee! richie's back so i shall go bug him now...HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone! =) by christine at 5:41 PM ©
one. you're like a dream come true two. just want to be with you. three. it's plain to see that you're the only one for me. this song brings back so many memories! memories of sophomore year, or was it junior year? junior year, i think. it makes me think of driving in my car down diamond bar boulevard or rowland heights to do the usual weekend schmaz, it makes me think of having someone there...somoene to hug and tell silly jokes to and do nothing with. waves of nostalgia are the most confusing and disconcerting, eh? k on another note...yay!! i finished my midterm today so it'll be awhile 'till i have any real work to do...*grin*. yayeee! *big smile*. k off to work now! by christine at 6:16 PM ©
coldplay's "warning sign" is playing in the background, and random thoughts are running through my head that i just can't seem to shake. i have a midtierm in ls 115 tomorrow and here i am, typing away on my blog! I did some studying earlier today so i feel a bit more prepared, but i guess i'll try to finish studying tomorrow when i wake up. it's almost four in the morning and i feel like a night owl! lol...so yeah. we had some fun aim games today, eliza and i. =) so yes if y'all ever get the chance, answer the question i have on my aim profile. hehe...it shall reveal some *interesting* answers, let's just say. hehe =) okay. so the issue of taking risks has been in my mind lately, with lots of things. i've never been much of a risk-taker, and usually when there are two choices, i choose the one that's a little bit more safe. or sometimes i don't even walk down that path. it's hard to just walk blindly into unchartered territory and cross your fingers, hoping for the best, with no idea what is in store for you in the future. you know that saying, "once bitten, twice shy"? I think i'm really like one of those people who can't go through the same thing twice. ever. but then the same questions come back to haunt me, and ultimately i'm still the same person with the same yearnings and the same passions and the same sources of inspiration.. this is all really vague, and i'm sure y'all have NO idea what i'm talking about, but it's okay. =) i just need to sort some things out inside of my head, I guess. it's just that, lately, i've felt this deeper and deeper *ache* for something more...i just don't know what that something more is. maybe it's direction, or guidance. or maybe i just need a break. We spend so much time planning and fantasizing about our futures- what we're going to do, how much we're going to make, the things we'll accumulate through our work, that it's really easy to get lost in it all. it's hard to stand back and look at everything in perspective. what do i mean by in perspective? i guess i just mean...it's hard to distance yourself from your own life and all of your dreams and aspirations and just see clearly , just see things for how they are and not delve too deep into it and over-analyze. (which is what us humanities majors tend to do =P) ok. it's getting late and my brain is turning into an incomprehensible jumble. so i shall say g'night now. .=) sweet dreams. by christine at 3:44 AM ©
helooo! =P I am in an absolutey WONDERFUL mood! wonderful with a capital w! =) I just got out of rhetoric discussion and I got my essay back and I love my GSI! I loooove her! hehe...ok but yes now I'm in the Wheeler computer lab waiting around for my four PM class at hearst mining. Have y'all ever been in that building? It smells of paint and they're still working on it everytime i go there for lecture, but it's pretty nice. They only have like one classroom right now that holds classes, so pretty much the only people who go in there at that time are in my ls soc class. oh yeah. speaking of that class...i've been attending it more regularly these days (i went to BOTH lectures last week! *happy grin*) but like one of the days, I think it was two weeks ago, I saw thomas, this guy who is the president of this pre-law frat thingie who I met at Kips when I was going to rush (but later decided not to because of all the hours you have to devote) and I was on the phone, blabbering away to jeff about how I was actually going to a class yadda yadda yadda because i was waiting for class to start. and yeah so thomas comes and he's like, "wow, you're never at this class! do you EVER go to any of your classes?" and yes I was quite embarassed because someone who i don't even know that well noticed that i'm a lazy monkey!...ever since then i've been trying to go to that class more often so that I can actually LEARN something...esp since our midterm is this wednesday! (which is not halloween like i said yesterday...hehe i tend to get my dates confused sometimes =P) but yeah. I don't know what my point in relaying that random story was. Oh, YES! My point is that I really, really REALLY just need to grab onto the concentration wheel and hold on tight because i've pledged so many times already this semester to try to go to class more often...ALL of my classes (including ba) but I never seem to follow through with it! I've never been one who doesn't rise to the courage of her convictions (or at least i hope not) but with class i'm a regular flake. All the time. It's really getting quite ridiculous, to tell y'all the truth. I just can't seem to get my lazy self out of bed every morning at eight to go to ba lecture. i guess i just don't have the motivation or the incentive (which i'm sure i will once i get my horrendous ba score back tom...yikes!) Not that y'all care, of course, but I just feel like blabbering and I have nothing else to do! (i forgot to bring my index cards to study from =( for class) ok so yes. i admit. i am a compulsive profile checker like julie. =) Ok, maybe not COMPULSIVE...but it's what I do when i'm bored and trying to waste time on my computer. And so i checked erika's profile (i know, it's ridiculous since we're roommies but what the heck) and she had the letter on her profile that ben wrote to felicity in her yearbook. Reading it just made me soo excited to watch felicity again! for all of y'all who dont' know, i am a BIG felicity fan. I love, absolutely adore, Scott Speedman! I think he is the cutest sweetie ever, and his character on the show was just sooo great. so for all of y'all noel fans, noel's a geek! he's nothing compared to ben. haha...ok but yes. this is how the letter goes: (stolen from erk) dear felicity, here it goes. i've watched you for four years. always wondered what you were like...what was going on in your mind all the time that you were so quiet, just thinking, drawing in your notebook. i should have just asked you, but i never asked you. so now, four years later, i don't even know you, but i admire you. well this makes me sound crazy, but i'm okay with that. so take care of yourself. love, ben p.s. i would have said "keep in touch", but unfortunately we we were never in touch. isn't that just the greatest yearbook entry from your high school crush that you could EVER have? I mean this is coming from like a complete stranger who she didn't speak a word to her entire high school career, but whom she noticed and who noticed her too. ok. and then felicity follows ben to nyc and they live happily ever after (sort of). but yeah. i *love* felicity! =) what an awesome show! hehe ok i feel all *bubbly*...i think it's that iced vanilla cappucino that i had from the gbc this morning. i went to rhetoric lecture, which i found out was CANCELED, so i ended up tabling with angela at the csa table for the hour before eating lunch, and i was sooo tired waiting that i just decided to get some coffee. so now i'm all bouncy and schtuff. i'm sure it'll wear off as soon as i step into class for midterm review...*sigh* ok. enough blogging now. the keys are so hard to press on and it's like taking too much energy to type each letter. hehe =) i'll write something more later maybe. in between study breaks. arg. =( yech i hate school! but today is a beaaauuutttiiiifuuullll day! i love sunshine...it makes me think of barefoot walks in the park on dewy grass with my labrador retriever (or future lr hehe), dreamsicle popsicles, and splashing in the ocean. mmm...=) ok. gtg to class now cause i'm a diligent student! *hehe* by christine at 3:35 PM ©
So i started to read Great Expectations again, or at least I want to. I've been plodding through the introduction and I finally finished it tonight, but I haven't yet been able to find the time to sit down and read it all. Reading the introduction reminded me of the last words that Great Expectations leaves you with. It's one of the most awesome ending passages ever, next to Great Gatsby. so this is what pip says about him and estelle as they walk out of ms havisham's for the last time: "I took her hand in mine, and we went out of the ruined place; and as the morning mists had risen long ago when I first left the forge, so the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her." dickens just always has such a way with words...i remember that the first time i read a tale of two cities for sophomore reading i actually cried. i know it sounds so dorky, to cry after reading some novel that you were *assigned* to read, but it really did move me. what can i say? i'm just a regular sap...hehe =). speaking of saps...i started to watch this japanese soap opera...it's called "beautiful life"...and it's really REALLY good so far! i can honestly say that i'm hooked, which isn't a good thing considering that i have a midterm on wednesday (halloween!) =( boo hoo but yeah...it's about a girl who's been in a wheelchair since she was seventeen, and how she meets this guy and they fall in love. pretty basic story, but it's really touching and funny and deep all at the same time. for those of y'all who snicker at asian dramas, don't snicker!! They're good, really! some of them, at least =) haha =P so lately i've been feeling kind of lazy...usually i'm so restless and always wanting to go out and do something, but this past weekend i was so content just to stay home and hang out with friends doing nothing really. It made me realize that...there are really those simple things in life that are really all you need. all the outside distractions are really nothing when you don't have the right people to enjoy them with. it's such a trite saying and everything, but it's infinitely true. So i think it was last night, or maybe the night before, i was talking to a really good friend of mine online, and he just seemed really down about life. friends, to be more specific. he said something that really made me feel very sad...something about how in the end, you can only count on yourself, because really all that you have is yourself. I thought about that for a long time, and I really don't think it's true. this could just be my overly optimistic, naive, idealistic side talking, but i sincerely and honestly believe that people are deeper than that. Ultimately, i believe in people , i guess. Like everyone else, i've seen the bad side of people...the side that shocks you when it rears its ugly head, sometimes so unexpectedly that it robs you of all thoughts except disbelief and disappointment. but i've also seen the amazing side of people...in the tenderness between lovers holding hands on the street, the lilting tune of a saxophonist on the street, dollar bills in the paper cups of outstretched hands. Alas...for my sake, for everyone's sake, i do hope that there are more things in this life that we can depend on besides ourselves, because if that were the case, i don't know where i would be. We are all in the end accountable to ourselves, but I do believe that we are accountable to a certain number of people in this world as well, and that should be what inspires us to be better, to strive harder, to reach farther, to find a pearl of joy in all that we derive from and give to this beautiful world. Because a lot of living is about giving and sharing, i think. and i'm really lucky that i've been given so much so far by the awesome people around me. =P k. wow. i just realized that i babbled on for quite awhile about some pretty random things. i think my brain is just fried from spending six hours in the library. well, almost six. SIX! dude...i can't believe i let richard talk me into that, but i'm kind of glad that he did because I got lots done! =) tomorrow christine shall continue on her long, arduous study mission...*sigh*. and i must attend ba lecture. even though i'm taking it p/np, i *am* still in that class to learn something! besides, i must impress y'all with my awesome score next time, right? =) hehe...k 99 y'all, see you in my dreams! =P by christine at 2:11 AM ©
The word of the day is wistful. I don't really have much to be wistful about right now, because i'm so swamped with just worrying about school (yech) and such these days...but today i felt *wistful* at work. I guess it was because one of the students who came in needed help on his music essay...he had to analyze one of Chopin's minuets, and looking over the piece with him really made me yearn to play the piano again. Last weekend when I went home, I played through a few of my favorites...mendelssohn's rondo capriciosso, debussy's arabesque I, chopin's nocturnes op 9, but it wasn't really the same. it's been so long since i've played...but it was great to feel those cold ivory keys beneath my fingertips and the echo of the piano in our piano room...it just brought back lots of memories. music has that amazing quality to evoke so much in a person...sometimes when i play i can just escape to a place where i can forget about present worries and just...revel in this rapturous, harmonious, intricately elaborate place where everything else seems trivial except the act of mere living itself. hrm...does that make sense? I hope so...*smiles*...but yeah. enough babbling about that! =) i really like lifehouse...so i will indulge myself in these lyrics :) they're from "storm". If I could just see you everything would be alright. If I could see you the storminess would turn to light and I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall, and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be alright and everything will be alright annie called me today! i really miss her...i was just thinking about how much i miss having someone who i see everyday who i can just tell everything to...*everything*...i miss our late night talks in taiwan! going out at six am to get breakfast...yummy dan bing and soy drinks, room 18, SHOPPING...=( but yeah. it's okay since i am probably going to visit her for Veteran's day weekend! yayee! =) *big grin*...and yeah i have wonderful erika and angela and julie here in Berk. =) *another big grin*. angela, if you are reading this...i'm glad that we had that talk and schtuff...sorry about all the stuff before...but yeah. can't wait till our potluck on friday! *yippee!* =P ahhh i really meant to write this looong, insightful blog, but the feeling has fled so i'm left without inspiration.. i'll leave y'all with a quote before heading off to sleep...=) "the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom emotion is a stranger,, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -Albert Einstein Mystery. It's so true that mystery is what ultimately keeps us hooked....having that same awe and wonderment, that same anticipation bubbling inside of you, that's what keeps you looking forward to the next day, what makes you want to wake up in the morning and bask in the sunlight (or northern fog here in berkeley hehe) I hope i never lose that curiosity and passion for life, that my eyes will always be open to the discovery of the new and the revisiting of the familiar...okay. enough rambling. time to end this lumbering blog! =P 99 y'all, sweet dreams, reach for the stars! =) by christine at 2:46 AM ©
fire, eh? What does that mean anyways? My FURY? lol...k that's a bit strong of a word, don't ya think? *grin*...ok. i really, REALLY need to get to work now because I have two summaries due tomorrow for my soc class (where i also get my paper back...yikes!!! =X) so i think that i should get to work! i'll write more later...after smallville tonight! *yayee!* my superman...*sigh* hehe or maybe i won't write more later because i'm SO BEHIND....i hate school...i don't think that i was cut out for school. I don't seem to have any sense of time management...just dallying through my days doing not much of anything and getting *some* reading done in between...so sad! i hearby resolve to be more hardworking...hmmm...yes. BA lecture tomorrow! my first lecture of this third module...(yikes) so look for me in class...i'll be there, taking notes attentively! *big grin* k off to work now!!! =P by christine at 8:16 PM ©
a slideshow of me and my roomies...we're not this silly all the time...really...*grin*    k time to get some work done now...=) *sigh* by christine at 11:56 AM ©
i missed friends this past thursday...=( haha i have the funniest pics to post of my weirdo roomies...but i'm too lazy to do it now so i'll post it later...99 y'all! =) sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite...hope all your dreams come true! mmm...i still love that lifehouse song...i really like lifehouse! if y'all haven't heard their new song, "spin", go download it! it's awesome blossom...i promise =P haha k i think my fatigue is really getting to me...*yawn* by christine at 2:06 AM ©
yayee! a spiffy new look for my blog...hehe =P by christine at 1:42 PM ©
For the past month or so, i've been tutoring at unit one...when i get there, it's usually dc time and i see those bright tables (in uniquely assorted colors like orange and blaring blue, no less) and this wave of nostalgia just hits me...i remember the times living in my hall last year, towards the end of the year especially, how suffocated i felt...i just couldn't wait to leave and have a space of my own in an apartment, but when it was time to leave i still remember feeling so sad to not see all of those familiar faces that i'd seen everyday for the past year. How sad it was to say goodbye to people i'd brushed my teeth with, seen in my pajamas, talked with at three am in the morning when i was supposed to be studying, ate dc dinner with at least twice a week. even though i don't see all of these people around campus all the time, when i do see them, it's such a shift in time for me...it's like a leaf from an old scrapbook, drifting into my present life. i don't know what got me to thinking about all this suddenly...i guess this is my last tribute to freshman year at berkeley...or my only one, rather because i never really said my goodbyes...because i never really say goodbye to anything. I hate goodbyes, and I always have. My first memory of saying goodbye (or rather not saying goodbye) to someone was my grandmother, when she left america to go back to taiwan. I was only thirteen then, and I didn't know that it would be the last time I would ever see her, but I had an idea that it would be because she was sick at the time. I made up some excuse about having to do a school project when my mom was taking her to the airport. I remember that I didn't even give her a last glance before leaving the house. I can still recall the click of that side door and biting my bottom lip so hard I could taste the blood on my tongue. The tears came later, when I was furiously trying to concentrate on my english paper. they were hot tears, that came streaming down my cheeks, so unprecedented and uncontrollable that i hated myself for crying them. but yeah. that was the first time i really realized that i hated goodbyes. I mean, who doesn't? who likes to leave the familiar, the comfort of the established. even monotony is preferable to unpredictable change...sometimes. Leaving Texas, then Maryland, high school graduation, moving out of the dorms, leaving taiwan this past summer...all these times i've never really said a formal goodbye. I've had pseudo-goodbyes, but never a definitive one...as a result all of my goodbyes have been somewhat anti-climactic- i tend to dodge out of them, avoiding them the best that i can in fear of just totally letting out an emotional deluge of tears. i've always been somewhat of an emotional person when it comes to people, especially...i'm not the greatest at hiding my feelings and usually i wear my heart on my sleeve. it's gotten me hurt one too many times in the past and i'd like to think that i've changed somewhat from that...but i don't know. anyway. i don't know how this has turned into some psycho self-analysis of christine but it must stop! =P below is a picture of berkeley that erika took from our dorm room last year. =)  i found this little tidbit today...i really, really like it, and i think it sums up what i've babbled on about above pretty well. =P There are people who cannot say good-bye They are born this way, this is how they die They are the keepers of promises, what moves them does not wear out Their loyalty will tear apart your clocks. -M. Malloy just so y'all know...i might not be one for goodbyes...but once you have my loyalty, you will have it always. =) on a side note, the most horrible thing happened to me today. My alarm clock ran out of batteries and like the alarm didn't go off so i missed my cubs donut promotion AND my gsi's office hours (which i needed to go to for my paper)...i'm such a retard! and last time i set my alarm to pm instead of am...i think me and that alarm have some kind of bad karma...bleh...=/ *sigh* k i have to go EAT now (one of my favorite pastimes) so i'll finish posting later! =P by christine at 5:33 PM ©
Fall came today, stepping into my home and my very blood with sudden force, like the unwelcome chill of cold tile floor beneath bare feet. I felt it first when I was walking down Addison on my way to brenda's house, bundled up in my long Benetton winter coat and comfy cashmere scarf that i got last christmas from angela (wow, has it really been almost a year since then? phew...the dual face of time passes like a sandstorm and yet so slowly i can almost count each day) and then again when i hummed my solitary road back home. I know it's October and in places other than california where they actually do have real seasons, that autumn leaves would be falling and that i'd smell the pine in the air by now. i guess i'd forgotten how cold it gets here in berkeley. Anyway. i had about a dozen and one things to say but they all seem to have fled my thoughts all of a sudden. i went home this weekend...in the process i re-discovered the gentility of my parents, the sweetness of my sister, the laughter of old friends, the crunch of salt and pepper shoestring fries in my mouth, the salt from the santa monica pier sea air on my tongue, the kittycat purr of my engine as i turn the key to my cherished car...all of these are in some way tangible...but the overall feel of the weekend isn't. seldom have i been through a time with so many highs and lows. mostly highs, taking me soaring, floating, like a birthday balloon with a wish to fulfill. that's really all that i can say without rambling on too much (which i seem to have a horrible tendency to do) *embarassed grin* and everytime i think of you i'll remember all the good times that we've had and everytime i sing this tune i will laugh, i will cry, i will close my eyes cause i know that it won't be long {until we sing, we will write, we will laugh away the night and the good times will never end when we meet again} though i wish that i were with you now i know there's a reason for space i can dream of memories you're writing down and i look forward to that day and the smile on your face {we will sing, we will write, we might cry and we might fight) and the good times will never end and i know that it won't be long, until we meet again. -stephen speaks, leaving song i like those lyrics =) i like stephen speaks...(as y'all can see, they are my fascination of the moment)...especially this one song, "passenger seat". it's just the most touching song, with the ability to bring back (at least for me) the most poignant memories. it made me cry tears, actual tears, that seeped out through the corners of my eyes, that i had to frantically wipe away before their glisten caught the sun and attracted any attention, but tears nonetheless, seen or unseen, all because of a little song . I don't know. Maybe it was just the whole ambience, the mood of that time, that place...sitting in the passenger seat of that car that i've ridden in so many times in the past, filled with so many memories...thinking of those times virtually eons ago, so far away and irretrievable in the past and so far behind me, like dust i've kicked up long ago that has now just started to dissipate, making way for new air to settle, just evoked in me...something beyond words. something i didn't know i had the depth to feel. sometimes i surprise myself with how much i care. [...................] Yes. k. i'm tired but my hair's still not dry =( so i'll just dally around the apartment a bit longer until i can go to bed. =) i have to wake up at nine-thirty to work at cubs tomorrow...=/ boo hooo i'll be sooo sleeepppyyy...oh well. hehe 99 y'all. see y'all in my dreams! =) by christine at 12:13 AM ©
hey y'all...too tired to post much right now but i had to post something since my dear, DEAR *sense the sarcasm here?* roommate posted something on my chatterbox so now I have to REMOVE the entire chatterbox panel...so boo hooo no more posting messages...=( well, i'll post more later, for now, go download stephen speaks songs! they're my new obsession =P esp "passenger seat", "all these things" and "out of my league"...*sigh* wonderful lyrics and melodies...=) by christine at 4:13 PM ©
Home. What a difference that word has from every other word, even just rolling off one's tongue...for most of us college kids, home is no longer the place we live in three hundred and sixty-five days of the year, it's now the place we go to to relax, to lounge around during the lazy days of summer or sing christmas carols by the fire with our families. This weekend, i'm going home. I remember this time last year, when I went home, a big anticipation bubble had already built up inside me, only setting itself up to burst. It's true, "you can never go home again". Not the same home that comforts you during those late night midterm study rounds or during that first fight with your college roommate. It's a different home, but home nonetheless. It's not that when you return, your parents or your siblings have changed...i realize now that it's more like when you return home, you've changed, and your friends have changed, and that makes all the difference. They're not huge changes, nothing earth-shattering, but subtle changes, like the small indentations that a penny makes in the water when you lean over to make a wish.. Hardly noticeable, but with an infinite number of consequences that sometimes you don't see until later on. Of course, there are some friends who will remain your friends for a lifetime...and then there are others who you will hardly ever see. Maybe it's true that the ones you continue to keep in touch with really mean the most to you, or maybe it's just that their lives are headed down more of the same type of path that yours is. who knows what guides the complexity and mystery of human relationships? Anyway, my point is...it's nine-thirty in the morning, and here I am, wide awake, fingers flying over the keyboard, blogging away. You know what? I just realized that this blog can sometimes be a bit too...well...pensive. I tend to be super happy in my face to face interactions with people and in everyday interactions, so I guess the only way my serious side ever comes out is when I'm blogging. That's kind of sad, eh? I don't know why that is...so I'll attempt to bring a lighter air to this blog from now on. i don't know how successful this attempt will be, but i'll sure try, y'all! =P Hey, Annie...remember around this time last year when you came to visit us at berkeley for the first time? I just got to thinking about all the fun times (except walking down THIRTY-NINE piers with a sprained ankle, that is hehe) and so I decided to post this picture...=P  Wow. just looking at that picture brings back so many memories. Erika, Annie, and I have all changed in that time, but yet we're still the same. Ack. What a trite saying. What I mean is...I guess what I mean is that right now, we're in a stage of our lives where our goals, aspirations, inspirations, are constantly changing, and through all of this, friends sometimes remain the same, and sometimes don't. It's all really like a luck of the draw. Okay. I'm tooo hungry right now to think or much less to write. I'll post something literate next time, hopefully *crossing fingers*...but for now I have to go rummage in the kitchen for something to EAT! *big grin*...it's so perfect out today! Leave it up to berkeley to reveal the sun in all its glory on the day i leave...*sigh*. =) oh yeah...p.s. i installed this new chatterbox thing on the right-hand window. leave me a message and post it on the board! =) a couple of words and you can bring a smile to christine's face...how easy is that? hehe....=) have a great weekend, y'all! =P by christine at 10:00 AM ©
mmm...limoncello and pineapple gelato are the perfect morsels of joy for a sunny october day. =) by christine at 3:39 PM ©
i love nights like this. Walking down Addison street tonight, everything was perfect, at least as close to perfect as things could be at this particular moment in time. The night evoked in me a sense of peace and serenity that I haven't felt for too long. i know that the beginning of the year is always hectic, especially now with the first wave (or the second for some of us) of midterms rolling around and papers abound. I was so stressed last night about my rhetoric paper, because I felt like I hadn't soaked up anything that we've been learning in lecture for the past month. But this afternoon, the talk with my gsi was a lifesaving experience, and i came back and managed to somehow finagle (word of the day stolen from Jessica =D) an outline for my paper that was hopefully halfway decent. but all of that is beside the point. it's just amazing to me how much school consumes so much of our lives. me and everyone else around me is always stressing about exams, papers, projects, operating around perpetual deadlines that never seem to end. but tonight, just for those few moments that I walked alone down that street...the shuffle of my feet beneath me, the whisper of leaves scraping against the concrete, the black blanket of sky above me encapsulating me in its vastness...all of these factors somehow contributed to that inner peace that i had for just one moment, if nothing else. a residue of that has somehow stayed with me until now...until walking back into my apartment and being slammed with the reality of impending paper due dates and midterm exams...all of this hustle and bustle makes me think of that joni mitchell song, "river"...it's really more of a holiday song, but it's really so pretty. There's a line in there that just perfectly describes how i feel sometimes, especially lately: I wish I had a river I could skate away on I wish I had a river so my feet could fly away I wish I had a river at times, i know that i need to set myself a distance away from all of "this". Sometimes the yearning within me trembles beneath my skin and it's all i can do to hold it back. More and more, there is a part of me that wishes to go out there and really experience the world beyond these doors of berkeley. a part of me fears so much that season after season will pass and soon the curtains to the window of these four years will close...and i will be left with nothing but dusty, faded memories. is all that i really have to learn from university found in those textbooks i lug around? or is there more...more outside of all of this, more in the very experience of being away from home and being (pseudo) on my own? hopefully, there is more. but for now, the reassuring bustle of activity around me envelopes me in its security and stability, and that's enough for me. For now, that is enough. by christine at 12:39 AM ©
to: angela, julie, and my dearest pal erk: last night was fun (heartbreakers was surprisingly funny and good! hahaha =P) but we have to have like super sleepover sometime! with lotsa girl talk and i'll bake cookies...*big grin* and BROWNIES! to make up for lost time...heheheh mmm...or nestle tollhouse! =) i love you guys! here are some pics i wanted to post: (i look super-red in these pics for some reason because it was HOT in the apartment...but yeah...hehe) they're from awhile ago...hehe =) i'll post more later...something more insightful...but for now...   Here is a cute lil' poem i found: =o) "i ran up the door closed the stairs said my pajamas and put on my prayers turned off my bed and jumped into the light all because you kissed me goodnight." by christine at 3:48 AM ©
 here is your pec picture erika...hahahaha...see how he has two in this photo...=P for those of ya'll who aren't in fobland (like me hehe) that's jay chow! the man who sings to me every night before i go to sleep...he has something about him, eh? i don't really know what it is...he's not good looking at all in the traditional sense, but he just has this aura that gives me a secret thrill...his voice doesn't hurt either... k. I FINISHED MY ESSAY! *phew* one down, one to go...but for now...sleep calls... sweet sleep ...i'll make a substantial post soon, i promise. :) there are some pictures i want to post and such, plus it feels like it's been awhile since i've actually written something coherent in here besides *blah*. i've been using my written journal as a venting source, which is probably the reason why my thoughts run dry by the time i reach my blog. oh well. some things are meant to be kept a secret, eh? bah, i missed dawson's creek today! i've never been a huge fan of that show, but it can be entertaining at times. plus, dawson's pretty cute =P but erika taped it for me anyways so yayeee goodie!!! =) something to help me procrastinate from my horrendous workload this weekend...ya'll won't be seeing me much! yep, that's right, christine has morphed into supernerd...or is trying to at least...hehe =) goodnight and sweet dreams. by christine at 3:52 AM ©
one hour, sixteen minutes, thirty-nine seconds. with someone special. you'll always be special. i think i'm going to miss ba lecture again. -st. elmo's fire by christine at 3:26 AM ©
Its not the pale moon that excites me that thrills and delights me it's just the nearness of you It isnt your sweet conversation That brings this sensation Its just the nearness of you When youre in my arms and I feel you so close to me All my wildest dreams come true i need no soft lights to enchant me If you'll only grant me the right to hold you ever so tight And to feel in the night the nearness of you -norah jones, the nearness of you *sigh*....isn't that the sweetest song ever? that's all i will say...the romantic in me will remain quelched for now...hehe...=P ok i think i learned how to post pictures now...let's see if i can get this...for those of you who haven't been to my apartment, here is my "workstation"...lol more like my aim station...i don't get any work done in my room...wait...i don't get any work done ANYWHERE! *sigh*...how sad! hahaha ok i hope the picture shows up....*crossing fingers*  if you ever need to get a good laugh or a kit kat break in between studies, the link which i have oh-so-cleverly placed below is for you! (except you richard, YOU don't get to see it because you suck! =T) ok ya'll i'll post more later...i'm still in awe of the picture that i got to post on the site! and the link! lol...christine is advancing in the computer literate world...hehehehe *big grin* p.s. to a certain SOMEONE: i will take the anne of green gables quote off ok? sheesh! and stop laughing at me, or i'll post incriminating pics of you...hehe j/k! =) by christine at 12:13 AM ©
in response to an inquiry: because there's another me a me of dandelion wishes soap suds and forgotten promises who leaves for an infinite number of reasons but always comes back for one. by christine at 12:54 AM ©
|
