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word of the day: am·biv·a·lence (m-bv-lns) n. 1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea. 2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow. today, in my rhetoric discussion, we were talking about Hobbes and his interpretation of language and its usages. According to Hobbes, language was invented for the purpose of "cataloguing" (sp?) our experiences and ideas, and using these words as a database for future reference. This saves us the work of having to re-define something everytime that we want to express a thought. My gsi mentioned the interesting fact about the origin of words...and it made me think of the word ambivalence. don't ask me why that word popped into my head...maybe because lately i've been feeling just plain bleh for some reason or another. Maybe it's because I set my alarm for seven forty-five PM last night instead of AM, and once again failed to wake up for my ba and rhetoric lectures (not to mention my oh-so-important aerobics class! =P)....or maybe it's just because lately I haven't been on the right track....not that I've ever even BEEN on the right track, come to think of it, at least academic-wise. I've never been the most dedicated student in the world, to say the least. That's why my presence in ba lecture in the morning two days in a row last week shocked the hell out of everyone. Heck, it even shocked me! but oh well...i guess all good things have to come to an end, eh? =) Anyway. My general outlook on school is pretty much summed up in number one up there. There are times when I sit in class (usually during the first fifteen minutes when I am still energetic and ready to learn, before my eyelids start to droop and my pulse rate slows), and I hear what the teacher is saying, and something just clicks . These times are few and far between, but when they come, they are magical. They make me realize that here I am, at berkeley, this wonderful learning institution, and i'm actually reaping the fruits of knowledge. Then there are times when I feel like there could be nothing worse than having to read thirty pages from my fat legal studies reader about mediation and arbitration in American courts. bleh. and Voila....the opposing love-hate relationship between me and school. most of the time it's a hate-hate relationship where I dread having to write papers and study for exams, with a sprinkling of actual interest in what i'm learning every now and then. If only I could find more of that passion that those eecs majors in my ba discussion have...that passion and genuine interest in everything they do, as long as it's school-related. *sigh* who knows? All I know is if there were a major in abercrombie or gelato, i'd ace it! =) ok. that's enough school schtuff for today. tune in next time for yet another ho-hum update on christine's life....=T p.s. ack! i had this great quote i found yesterday on joyce's website that i wanted to paste here but it's at home (i'm in the computer lab right now in between classes)....so i'll post it later. =0) by christine at 11:34 AM ©
yummmie...i love strawberry shortcake! especially the ice cream bars! hehehe =P by christine at 3:03 AM ©
Homesickness is a funny thing. its onset is something gradual and virtually unnoticeable, but painfully acute from the moment you first detect it. Not acute in the sense that it's always prominent, throbbing, there, in your mind, but acute in the sense that it's a dull kind of ache in the very pit of your stomach...as if there's some void inside of you that's just calling out to be filled. Somehow. It's not as if I don't love college life. school and i even have our up times. there is just so much stress lately in every nook and cranny of my life. it's like my room: piled up clothes, papers, and other thingamajiggers that I've just somehow let accumulate until it's to a point beyond hope. That's how my present situation feels. It's not even school-related stress, really, even though I have three papers to write and two midterms to study for in the next week on top of work and classes and interning. In fact, a part of me really likes being busy during the day and not having to think about other things. It's when I get home at the end of the day, exhausted, that I don't seem to know what to do with myself, that I start to feel that knob of homesickness within me that I just can't seem to shake. Tonight I talked to my mom on the phone for almost an hour, and when I pressed "end" on my cell phone, i wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wanted to fly back home right at that instant and nestle in the warmth of home and all of its comfort and security...I wanted to hide underneath my goosedown comforter and hold my mickey mouse body pillow, close my eyes, and just escape. I don't even know what I want to escape from. School, for one thing. That includes responsibility and sacrifice (of personal happiness in my case). But the other issues I want to avoid are a bit more complicated. I don't even know how to express them, really. It's more like a general attitude that has enveloped me in the past week. I just feel very weary...and very alone. I know I'm not alone...I know that I have this awesome network of people who I can rely on, people who call me at one in the morning to make sure that i'm all right and don't hang up until they hear a resounding "yes"...people who i can not talk to for weeks and then suddenly click with again...people who i can confide in and trust. But all of that doesn't mean we're not alone. it just means we have people outside of our personal space, people who are there to reach out and comfort us if we are willing to open the doors. And being alone isn't always a bad thing...I savor those moments I have in between whirlwinds of activity and chatter and people where I can just collect my thoughts...but lately...lately things are somehow different. It's not enough anymore, it's not fulfilling enough anymore just to be able to finisih my ba paper or study for my sociology quiz...something within me knows that there's something more to all of this that i just haven't found yet. anyway. my point is that i miss home. i can't wait until winter break...four and a half weeks of absolute bliss. my BIRTHDAY (yay!) and then Shanghai or Taiwan (hopefully I can go there with you, Angela! =P and you too, my Annie!!!) and maybe a week up in Big Bear with friends....then canadia!!! That's right, it's CANADIA...not canada...=) Thinking about all of this is enough to lift my spirits. *sigh*. I feel like an emotional roller coaster these days!! =T I'd forgotten how vince can make me laugh so easily, but now that i remember i wonder how i didn't miss the ebb and flow of our conversation, the easy banter, the transition from one thought to another. It really is the most wonderful thing to know someone who knows me inside and out, and who loves and accepts me despite all of the flaws and glitches. and it's an even more wonderful thing to know, finally, after a countless number of mental jigsaw puzzles and emotional seesaws, what i want. if only the other pieces of my life could so easily fit into the puzzle, then all of my stress would poof! be gone. here are some lyrics: (yes, i'm "cheating" again, jeff =P) To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream You do something to me That I can't explain So would I be out of line, If I said I miss you. I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine You have only been gone ten days but already I am wasting away I know I'll see you again Whether far or soon But I need you to know that I care And I miss you -Incubus, i miss you i love the first line of that song...it just does something for me, sends that unexplainable tingle down my spine. maybe it's his voice, who knows. speaking of music...ya'll should all go download greenwheel's "breathe"...it's an awesome song and does lots for my stress. looooots. =) btw, i think at this rate, with all my stressing, i'm going to lose all my hair by the time i turn thirty (in a little over ten short years)...*sigh*. . oh well, maybe bald heads for females will be all the rage by 2012, eh? =) random thoughts: a. whatever happened to carpe diem? one of these days i'm going to act on one of my urges...not that i don't always respond to my cravings for gelato *guilty grin*, but other things. i'm going to be brave. i'm going to tackle that "pillar of strength" (wink wink angela)...one day...far, far, away. maybe between the time the cow jumps over the moon and the fork runs away with the spoon.. *sigh*. we'll see! =) b. i want to see sweet home alabama!!! not that i don't indulge in my chick flick passion enough as it is, but still...i love reese witherspoon! c. sasha radetsky is HOT.. so hot...so so sooo hot...*sigh*. that's all i can say...*wiping drool off of face* d. (wow, this is starting to look like a multiple choice test) sometimes, i really do believe that chocolate is the cure to all sorrows. feeling sad? feeling stressed? feeling weary? pop a dove's promises in your mouth (dark or milk flavored, your preference) and not only do you get an insightful tidbit on the wrapper, you get a wonderful, delicious, orgasmic morsel of chocolate. that, and dirty dancing, and you're all set. =) k, ya'll. i have tons more to say just spilllling out of me, but it is now verrry late. oyasuminasai and sweet dreams... =) by christine at 3:25 AM ©
one thing I know i'm good at: wasting time. by christine at 8:12 PM ©
maybe the saying is true... the more things change, the more they stay the same. i don't know if that thought reassures or depresses me more. random thought: I miss christmas...right when october rolls around, and when people start to prepare for halloween, you'll see me, hanging up my christmas lights and singing my christmas carols...=) I think i'm like an around-the-clock christmas freak or something...i'm not even Christian so I don't know what I'm celebrating, but I'm celebrating nonetheless! =P anyone wanna join me for an early Christmas treat? hot chocolate, red and green rice crispies, and cookies for santa :) by christine at 5:50 PM ©
one of the simplest joys in the universe: listening to jay chou and lounging around on a beautiful sunny california morning...i love life!!! =P by christine at 11:18 AM ©
Because he seems to always have ridiculously wonderful comments about my blogs, and because what's on my mind tonight is schtuff i think he can maybe relate to, this post is dedicated to joey. :) the truth isn't always there, and it's never easy to find. Sometimes what we like to think about ourselves, about how we are feeling, about how we've "adjusted" to certain situations, just isn't what we *really* feel. A lot of times, it's an innocent enough mistake...we go through day to day, detached from a certain person, perform the routine everyday activities and have exciting experiences, and at the end of the day, before we close our eyes and lose ourselves in sleep, we congratulate ourselves on just how good of a job we've done in "detaching ourselves" or "moving on" from a certain something/someone/situation. Then one day something seemingly insignificant happens, and we realize that the mere act of even thinking that we moved on defeats the purpose within itself and that all this time we were stuck in some kind of warped time where things seem both long and short at the same time. What do I mean by time being both long and short? by a long time, i mean that my hand doesn't remember the feeling of holding another in its grasp, that i now shake my head at couples who stay up late nights fighting about what "he/she said", that the word *love* now has a plastic, artificial stigma to it that i can't seem to shake. alternately, by a short time, i mean the snapshots of *moments* and eddies of emotion that seep through the crevices of the facade i've put up over time. i remember two pairs of feet shuffling on slippery, golden wooden floor, the swish swish of my dress and a pair of strong arms...whispered love song lyrics in my ear and the sound of him calling my name like it is something sacred. i remember intensity: cold tears raining down my cheeks and the wind slapping at my hair, racked sobs emanating from my very core and then ecstasy with the warmth of his embrace...the adieu of his fingers as they gently caress my face...seeing closure in his eyes and hearing it in his voice. "Closure." What a word, eh? When do we truly find closure? Or are we destined to be forever vulnerable to someone, even if it is only a little bit and only occassionally? oh well. i'm only nineteen, approaching the beginning of the second decade of my life, and these matters will probably seem trivial in a few short months. but for now, they're on my mind because...because what? because there's a missing warmth, a missing presence in my life? who can say what exactly makes me think of these things when the clock strikes midnight, but somehow i do. i feel exposed, like i have revealed too much, but also that i have hidden too much in the past. noncholance and insouciance are things of the past for me, hopefully. so i will say it now, and i will say it openly...or maybe i'll leave it to a song. utada hikaru's "first love" is the theme song of my blog tonight...here's to lost innocence and irretrievable first impressions, eh? =) Tonight on aim (my pseudo-social world, pathetically enough), i was talking to angela's little sister, alison...who is going to her first homecoming next week! HOMECOMING...i actually never went to one during high school .considering that it's the most revered and famed dance of high school life, next to prom, i don't know why we never went. maybe because nothing with vince and i was ever the way it's supposed to be in movies. well, it was, and it wasn't. it was to people who looked at us from the outside, but on the inside, things were...complex. anyways. that wasn't my point! My point was that alison is going to homecoming and getting her nails done and wearing a slinky, SEXY (i don't care what you say, i KNOW you! hehe) dress and i'm jealous! *sigh*...high school nostalgia...will i ever get over it? going home in a few weeks will hopefully do something to cure this sudden yearning i have to go back to the past. i think my natural reflex emotion is to long for happier times because of all this stress i have lately related to various things. It's easier to imagine a past when things weren't so complicated, but i know that things are never not complicated when they're pure in the most simple sense of it all. so joey...sorry for the rambling blog. i DID have a point in saying all this...oh yes...it was this. your link on your profile to that cheesy melodramatic story was, like you said, cliched and trite and all that jazz...but the essential meaning of it was true and genuine and wonderful, and i'm so happy that you posted it on your profile. we should .all take the time to cherish those who love us and those who we love like no other...because regret is the worst thing to feel when looking back. that is my deepest resolution of this year...to live with no regrets! what a trite, stupid saying...*sigh*. that's the best Christine can produce today because she has been fueling off of four hours of sleep on average per night...so sad! so goodnight everyone...shine like the star that all evenings wait for!!! (taken from a dove's promises wrapper...oooh..deep! =P) by christine at 12:34 AM ©
"To love someone so much, you're still trying to prove it to them after they die...if that's crazy, then I hope my own insanity isn't far away." -From Everwood (and stolen from eliza heehee) random thoughts of the day (feel free to stop reading this boring account at any time...heehee =P_) 1. The Bear's Lair fresca drink (watermelon) is absolutely yummmyyy! and only a dollar! what a yummy treat...especially if you ask for less ice and more juice! (hehe julie) 2. After tonight's m-a-r-v-e-l-o-u-s conversation with a chum, I realize, I am so grateful for this summer...so grateful that I met the wonderful people who I did, and had the wonderful fun that I had. I didn't really think that I would meet any substantial lifetime friends in Taiwan, but I was wrong...Billy, Mike, Joyce, Ben, and especially Simon, I'm so happy that I met all of you! ya'll are awesome and one of a kind. :) and of course annie, it wouldn't have even been half of the experience without you, my lovely bestest buddy in the world to share it with! i love you! :) 3. i went to all of my classes today! that's one step closer to completing number one (to study more.) of my many resolutions...*sigh*. as for resolution number 2....no, i did not stalk f**d today in class...nope, not me!...and resolution three...so much for my midnight jog...grrr...aim is going to strap me down to my seat forever at this rate! hehe... 4. today was an enlightening day for many reasons, and then again for no particular reason at all. i'll comment more on that ambiguous statement tomorrow, because i'm too tired right now to articulate much of anything. *yawn* I hope all of ya'll have a grrreat day tomorrow! spend it with people you love and remember to smile and turn that frown upside down!! i know it's a stressful time with midterms/projects/papers due and such...but taking a few minutes out of everyday to just smile will definitely lift your spirits! it works for me. =) 99, ya'll. :) by christine at 1:13 AM ©
AIM conversations at five in the morning can be surprisingly enlightening, and almost as rewarding as a cookies n' cream ice cream cone on a summer's day. =P Almost, but not quite, because ice cream always leaves a deliciously sweet aftertaste. And that is all I have to say about that. "The soul should always stand ajar. Ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." -Emily Dickinson p.s. got the blues? oldies music can cure anything...including "that missin' feelin'" [wink wink, Jenn] my personal favorites: Beatles' "i wanna hold your hand", carpenters' "Close to You", with a little bit of van morrison's "brown eyed girl" to lift up the spirits. sha la la la la la di dah...lol okok, i admit it, i'm a self-confessed dork...hehe... ok it's late...i'm tired, it's been a thoroughly exhausting day/night (i had loads of fun shopping, gals! hehe and no i didn't go ENTIRELY crazy..*guilty grin*)...99 ya'll! =P by christine at 3:50 AM ©
I realized something tonight. I need to stop caring so much. i think i care too much about what otherpeople think, about how my actions affect others, about how much I hurt someone, about how much someone hurts me. I know, I know, that ultimately everyone cares. It's something you can't help. We all like to seek approval from others, and we all like to see happiness and joy in our friends. But I think in my case I always take it to be too much. to the point of tears, to the point of that aching feeling you get in the back of your throat when you don't want to cry but you just can't seem to help it. (especially for me since i'm a big wuss and sctuff and i have too soft of a heart.) A good friend of mine said to me tonight, quite honestly, that I take things too much at their face value, that I believe what other people tell me too easily and make judgments about people without just taking them for who they are, and that it's annoying. The words stung at first, but they rang true. This isn't the first time that someone has accused me of this, and I don't blame them because it's true. I DO do that. I don't know why I do this...maybe it's because it's the easy way out, it's easier than really knowing the person, easier than getting too involved. but as much as i surround myself in this complex layered cocoon, it seems like i never protect myself well enough. i always wake up with that nudging thought in the back of my head, that feeling that somehow something isn't right. it's because people somehow seep through the walls that you build around yourself to protect yourself, and when you see them there, when you realize they're inside, it's already too late. the damage is already done. they're already in, and you already started to care. i find i've stumbled into a lot of meaningful things this way. with annie, with vince, and with some others. Some Other. What was my point? oh yeah. my realization. i think building relationships with people is a lot like when someone grabs ahold of your wrist really tight. You feel their fingers clasp around you and at the moment, you're aware that they're there, you feel their pressure on your skin, but you think that at any moment their presence will be gone and you will be left unscarred. but when they finally do let go, you're left with those white finger-like marks on your skin, a reminder that at one time they were there, they were grasping on, they were close, and you felt their presence. Maybe that's all that matters. people come and go in your life, sometimes they have recurring roles and sometimes they don't. the important thing is the memories you hold, the moments you share, the impressions they've made. goodnight yall...may all of you reach the stars in your dreams and come back soaring still. =) by christine at 3:37 AM ©
I want to escape into Hogwarts and the wonderful world of Harry Potter, Hermione, and Ron. I don't want to be a Muggle anymore! =/ If only i could study witchcraft and wizardry instead of Plato and politics...i'd be an A+ student then! Path to completing my sophomore year resolutions: 1. i caught up in ONE CLASS...that only leaves three more! progress! a word i haven't heard of in awhile! =) 2. slight lapse in this department since someone decided to send me a site with f**d's picture on it...hehe...and no i'm not going to use it as my wallpaper...or bookmark it....hehe =T 3. hmmm another lapse again considering that i ate ice cream, an ice cream sandwich, chocolate chip cookies (nestle tollhouse! lol have you guys ever seen that friend's episode with phoebe's grandmother's cookies?), mee fun (that's in chinese) and beefballs...plus potstickers...and errr...tuna sandwich...and errr....instant noodles...so yeah. not too healthy there. but hey i ate some grapes! THOSE are healthy, right? *big, cheeky grin* k on the way to resolving number three (to be more healthy) i must try to go to sleep now before it reaches two am. one side note...i'm extra happy today because i was busy non-stop at tutoring! sooo many people! i actually felt like i was doing my job for once! hahah =P 99 ya'll!!! =) by christine at 1:50 AM ©
Blah. I feel like my life is something i'm watching from a movie screen but not even one third as interesting. maybe that's why i've been such a drama queen lately, according to some people...*sigh* i miss the familiarity of freshman year...the socializing, the light-hearted hallway banter, seeing floormates in the mirror walking in as you brush your teeth at night before bed...i even miss the omlette guy at Unit 3 who pours tons of cheese onto your omelette and asks you questions you don't know how to respond to.
it's just that a couple of days ago, last week, i think, when erika and i walked past unit 3 and we saw our old room but without the lanterns on the window and the light cover taken off, i just got this *pang* in my chest...i finally realized that i'm a second year now, a SOPHOMORE....and with that comes new responsibilities, new duties, new worries, new hopes, new dreams. I know that in a lot of ways i am still the same person that i have been since high school, but i also know that i'm different now. maybe not in a good or bad way, but just different. Take my relationship with a certain someone for example. I've known this person since high school and we've always been close, but now it's just like the whole DYNAMIC of our relationship has changed without me ever really even noticing until...like a couple of weeks ago. and it's not like i noticed it through a specific incident either. it was just gradual...like the tone of our conversations, or the comments we made to each other, or the distance through the phone both physically and emotionally. And instead of just accepting it, i've been an idiot, wanting to find something new to replace it or simulate what it was when really, the me who was with that person back then no longer exists. ok. i just read over what i wrote and really it's too much to be blogging this, but what the heck. it's just a blog, right? =) my POINT is that...as much as we frantically try sometimes to make things go back to the way that they were, the way that we envision them in our heads and cherish them in our hearts, time never goes backwards. what happens happens, and there's no way to reverse it. it's a good and a bad thing...some things we don't want to relive, and others we wish we could drown in their memories because they give us so much joy. but yes i've digressed. my point was that freshman year is over and now it's the start of sophomore year, a time for new resolutions, new experiences, new ME...or improved at least =) here are my three resolutions (to be fulfilled by the end of first semester).
by christine at 1:00 AM ©
since feeling is first who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you don't cry- the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter which says we are good for each other: then laugh leaning back in my arms for life's not a paragraph and death, i think, is no parenthesis. -e.e.cummings by christine at 1:10 AM ©
ok. so my new resolution to not even TURN ON my computer makes it kind of inconvenient to check e-mails and so forth....but don't ya'll think that my sound card just up and BREAKING like that is some sort of sign to me that I need to focus more on school? Seriously though, I don't think that I've EVER been this lazy! Yet here I am, unable to resist, at the wheeler computer lab blogging. Blogging, my newfound obsession of the moment. : ) It's like talking to yourself (which I do all the time! hehehe), but only better!!! ahahaha...ok. well you guys must all keep me on track (for the few people who are actually reading this) because i am sooo behind. i actually took the time to glance at my soc schedule and syllabus today and I realized that I have to finish an entire novel by the 23rd! Not only that but we have a paper topic to be handed out soon, AND let's not even MENTION the reading that I have to do in the reader and whatnot. And that's only for one class! I'm also just as behind in ba (ack! stupid industry question! joey...if you get a 100 i'll sock you! hahaha jk you're my wonderful nerd friend...i seriously think you are the nerdiest person I know!!! lol) but yes. so.. i will write more later when i get home because for some reason the keys are extremely hard to press down on this stupid keyboard. or maybe i won't write since i have meetings until late and I should really be doing some work. *sigh*. the sad life of christine...erika threatened to uninstall my aim!! :*( boo hoo...but i know it is only for the best of me, so I've resolved NOT TO GO ON AT ALL! well at least i'll TRY not to (the key word being T R Y)...heehee. this newfound inspiration to do well (i actually attended ALL of my classes~! hooray for me!!!) is actually giving me a new, brighter perspective. I have now firmly resolved to join the nerd club (currently consisting of my two roommates, richie and eri heehee...jp) here at berkeley...and then maybe law school and lsats won't seem so out of reach anymore...we'll see, eh? EH! hehe =) ya'll know you like my canadian/TEXAN/californian accent...and no i dont' have a fobby accent because I'm NOT a fob!!! Sheesh...ok. must go do work now. i have discussion in an hour at HAAS!!! at least i can work off the stale english muffin with yummie knott's berry farm strawberry jam that i ate earlier today...heehee. i hope none of ya'll see me panting up the hill when i was already ten minutes late like erika did that one time...i was sweating up a storm! so attractive...hahahaha =T time to see my swedish gsi and listen to his wonderful accent...he's so jolly!!! =P even though i'm not quite sure what his name is. koosher...krutkle...koohler? ack! i don't know! somethin with lotsa k's and j's! ok. wish me luck on my long trek to haasville...g'luck studying everyone!!! =D by christine at 4:08 PM ©
this post is dedicated to erika. one word: TIRAMISU! how could i have already forgotten that!!! orgasmic...simply orgasmic. by christine at 8:43 PM ©
After about a year, i've finally got it figured out. it's true. you WON'T ever completely "get over" or stop caring about that one person. (btw annie, i read your blog) but maybe sometimes it's a sign that you've moved on if you can care about them without envisioning yourself with them. it's funny how much one seemingly insignificant event can change your whole perspective so much...but it truly can. i think that's enough said without rambling on about my whole life story, don't ya think? =P ok. enough of this mumbo jumbo. must go study. must go stress. must go eat. *sigh* the never-ending cycle of christine: eat, sleep, stress, eat, aim, blog, chat, eat, sleep...think about doing some work but never get around to it. ack!!! Haagen-Dazs butter pecan ice cream (mmm yummy): $3.49 Pillsbury strawberry toaster strudels: $4.09 Richard's lotto ticket: $1.00 Mott's apple sauce: $5.03 Tropicana pulp-y (hehe) orange juice (buy one get one FREE! haha): $5.00 Phone call from one of your best friends in the whole wide world while grocery shopping: priceless p.s. I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HOME!!!! =D...you are the one good and stable thing in my life lately...thank you. by christine at 9:35 PM ©
http://members.telocity.com/~kay0909/attack.swf it's a little late ya'll...but just go here if you have the time (for some reason i can't get the link to work...bleh...sorry)...it's really long...but it really reminds us to appreciate what we have...last night richard, erika, and i had a pretty good conversation...it was good for me at least, short but good. =) i love my roomies! hehe...even though they're MEAN and they spy on me and they accuse me of false things...i still love 'em! =) *big grin* k gotsa goes to class tomorrow...so i'll talk to ya'll later! =P by christine at 2:03 AM ©
9.11.02. it wasn't until my first lecture today, in ba, when the professor asked for a moment of silence did it click in my head...today is 9.11, the infamous day last year when so many people's lives were lost in tragedy. i remember this time a year ago...i remember hearing about the twin towers in the news and not being able to believe that it was real, i remember seeing the infamous video tape of the plane crashing into those buildings, over and over again, like a nightmare that was seemingly never going to end. Being on the other coast, it didn't strike me as hard as it did for those on the east coast...but nontheless it was still a security shock from the bubble world that i was living in prior. I won't pretend like my life has been severely affected by 9.11 like millions of people out there, becuase it hasn't. but it has affected us all in a manifold number of ways, both conscious and sub-conscious. The most important thing that it made me realize was the frailty of human beings...our lives truly can be fleeting and taken away in just an instant...with no warning, no preparation, no precursor. sometimes loss isn't even only about losing the ones who are closest to you...there are so many other people in your life who are so much a routine part of it that you don't even take time to notice or appreciate their presence anymore. it's really frightening to imagine that one day that girl who i always sit with in my soc discussion might not be there tomorrow, or that the lady at yokohama's who always remembers my order (mapo tofu, no peas, no carrots) might be gone tomorrow, or the person who i talk to every night might not be there to answer the phone the next night. anyway...the purpose of this blog isn't really to think about all of those things. I guess it's to remind all of ya'll to look around you and realize just how many wonderful people you have in your life...from your parents to your siblings to your darling friends...and maybe to tell them just how much they mean to you because there's never a better time than today. so...with that i'm going to go call my mommy now...i miss her..=( i think college has actually closed the gap that used to exist between us and i love and treasure her now more than ever...and i miss you too, annie! and you too, vince...come home soon! =) one last thing....let's all give a moment of silence to all those who lost their lives this day last year...may their souls forever rest in peace. by christine at 10:49 PM ©
i find it amazing how i seem to be able to find time everyday to post something in this blog, but no time to do other things...like do my homework for example. I have about one hundred pages of happy reading awaiting me at the end of this dark, gloomy tunnel of b e r k e l e y...the place where nerds fluorish and people like me wilt in the blinding light of their diligence. sigh. anyway. i found this awesome quote. maybe i should take it under consideration, eh? But because truly being here is so much; because everything here apparently needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all. Once for each thing. Just once; no more. And we too, just once. And never again. But to have been this once, completely, even if only once: to have been at one with the earth, seems beyond undoing. - rainer maria rilke, duino elegies, ninth elegy. ...it really is getting late...ahhh it's one am and i STILL haven't gotten any studying done since coming home from work! I'm pulling the ultimate procrastination spell of all procrastinators. it's like i see myself sinking further and further, but all i can do is sit there, limbs dangling, while i drift into the depthless chasm of mediocrity. that's definitely one of my worst fears...being mediocre. even being stinky is better than that because at least you're SOMETHING...at least you "are"...you're not just...there. like those weeds you see growing on the side of the freeway as you drive by...you think...huh. weeds. but if you hear an annoying bee buzzing near your ear, at least you spend some time to swipe it away. it was worth at least two seconds. mediocre people are like the weeds by the side of the freeway who aren't even worth a second of thought, good or bad. that is the horrible analogy i'm trying to make...lol. ok! anyways. i hope ya'll liked the quote. it was the only worthwhile thing to read in this entire blog. read it and go out there and make a difference, because i sure as hell ain't doin' it at this rate. =) g'night all, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. one last thing...erika shao! you did not pull a "christine"! fyi i would NEVER, ever burn richard's blanket...even after he used my wash cloth as a mirror wipe...NEVER! =) haha jk by christine at 1:22 AM ©
when will all this madness end, i ask? when? ack! blank screen, blinking cursor, useless clanking of keys amidst the faint buzz of my laptop...I HATE MICROSOFT WORD! I HATE BA 10! I HATE WRITING! ...alas, those poor, poor freshman students who seek writing tutoring from me...someone who can't even write a ba10 proposal paper! that's due tomorrow! ACK! no more module paper for me...ahhh...sleep calls...goodnight all! =P
- Sarah McLachlan, 'elsewhere' by christine at 1:42 AM ©
Well, I guess that I will dedicate this post to Erika since she's the one who I'm stealing the below lyrics from...=)
Sheesh...this is all starting to sound unbelievably corny to me. But hey, I've always been a sucker for that guy on the street carrying roses, or the two best friends laughing and dancing crazily down the street, or that sweet smile your little sister gives you when she wants you to do something for her...and for all of you who know me even just a little bit, I've never been one to remain dry-eyed during a sentimental movie. That's just the way of it, I guess. =)
Last night I talked to annie for a bit...annie, if you're reading this, I MISS YOU!! ...so very much. With school and everything, it was easy for me to get lost in the whirlwind and forget just what an important role you play in my life, but talking to you again last night made me remember just why you are my closest friend. It's because I can laugh with you about anything and everything, and because sometimes I feel like you're right next to me even though you're on the other side of the country. I miss our fantastic, splendid summer in Taiwan and short reprieve in Hong Kong! =( anyways...back to my blog. I guess that today it just really hit me what an awesome summer I had. I really did have one of the greatest summers ever. Summers are always awesome because they're a chance to really just relax with no worries (unless you take summer school or work...yech =/) but this past summer was kind of like a cathartic experience for me. I met some great people in Taiwan, and we had lots of fun times, but besides all of that...it was the first summer that I've really been alone since sophomore year. The newfound freedom, the sense of ME that I had this past summer is something that has really stayed with me ever since I've been back. I don't want to lose that secure sense of identity that I have right now because it's something that I've finally found after so much searching. Anyway(s). =T
Talking to Annie last night, talking to Jennifer today, I realize that we've all really grown. We're changing everyday, creating new experiences, meeting new people, crying new tears, discovering new joys...and all of these things mold us into who we are and what we will become. It's sad in a way to think that I'll be twenty in a few short months...and that two decades of my life will have already passed. I still feel as if I have so much to learn and so much to look forward to...I don't want to know a time when I won't have anything to look forward to. After all, I still have to go to France and meet my Prince Charming and elope on top of a splendid castle in Paris! =) No, but the truth of the matter is that we all worry endlessly about school and getting a good job and making good money, but in the end, all that we yearn for is the joy, the fruition in that pot of gold at the end of our rainbow. =) ok enough rambling...I will now bid everyone goodnight...happy dreaming...=o).
p.s. i almost forgot that this post was dedicated to erika...so i must leave you a side note! you're not winning the bet...keep dreaming! =o) by christine at 1:44 AM ©
my obsession of the moment...these lyrics are awesome...and so true...at least for me. i'm rushed right now but i'll post more about this later..meanwhile enjoy these lyrics! the song is awesome too...haha yes i will stop gushing now...
by christine at 5:55 PM ©
8:01 am...i always set my alarm to that time during school days because i endeavour to wake up at that hour...but seeing those flashing numbers is always enough to make me groan with despair because they mean i have to go to...CLASS!!! i seriously feel like such a slacker these days...i was talking to my friend online the other day and he was like, you are SUCH a slacker...this coming from the guy who gets drunk three out of the five days of the week (that would be thursday, friday, and saturday because he's a nerd around the clock the other days hehe jk)...but yeah. I now firmly resolve to go to EVERY class next week...i'll show everyone just what a diligent student I can be! =) speaking of diligent and studious and all of those attributes that I seem to sorely be lacking in...I was thinking just last night...I really need to find something to just throw myself into. I really think that I have the potential to be truly passionate about something if I would just let myself really give in to it...in the past I haven't felt really ready for that, with relationships or even with academics and other activities. I don't know...last night I just got this URGE to just...I don't know. Not feel like I'm always half-heartedly doing things, to have the rosy-cheeked, sparkling-eye look of being in love, or to have the drive to really delve into my legal studies and sociology of law books. I think that at the core of all this mumbo jumbo (because really that's all that it is) is some kind of fear of...I don't know. Maybe when I figure out what I'm so scared of, I'll be able to achieve that zest for life that i'm so aching for...we'll see. =P ok well angela is here now and we gotsa goes on a *secret mission* yayee...but i'll sit down and write a real blog later...for now it's time to EAT!!! (and you know that's what i love to do most) =P by christine at 11:26 AM ©
my first blog ever!! =) inspired by my wonderful buddy eliza after seeing her new blog...but yes bear with me through these first couple of posts and i promise (crossing fingers) that it'll get better after this...hopefully...but i'm quite computer-illiterate so maybe not! haha... this morning after waking up past late (again! ^_^) i stepped out onto my balcony to take a breath of fresh air...even though the construction workers were shoveling and drilling below and the dump truck was passing by, the feel of a slight breeze playing against my hair and whispering at my cheek was enough to fill me with a feeling of content and peace...something i haven't felt lately with all the hectic start-of-school-year stuff...it was refreshing to think about something other than papers or exams or reading for even just one moment and just to "be".
one last thing...did ya'll see american idol last night? kelly clarkson won!! yayee...it was so touching to see everyone all excited and her mom's tears of joy...by the way ya'll...she's from TEXAS!! the lone star state...my homeland...what did i tell you guys about texans? they're absolutely awesome! (yours truly included) hehehe...=D by christine at 4:25 PM ©
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